Sunday, January 17, 2010

Troll 2 (1990)

Quick Synopsis: Vacationing family finds trouble in Nilbog. (I'll give you a second to figure it out...though I guess really it should be Llort).

There are still places in this country where values mean something...Small Town, USA. Places where the milk is always sour and corn on the cob has a fresh dollop of green frosting on it. Where the townsfolk can meet at the local church building and discuss rotting flesh. And, of course, where they are all secretly goblins in human form who are led by a Druid witch(?) who really should invest in some Chapstick (even if it does have animal fat in it) know, real salt of the Earth types.

And this is exactly what Dad (or Farmer Waits as he will be always be known in my heart) wants for his family on their vacation. To experience a simpler way of life, albeit by trading houses with another family(?), and getting back to the roots that made this country what it is today. Unfortunately, family vacations tend to be pretty stressful. "Big Sister" is upset because her boyfriend couldn't come and might be a homo since she hit him in the junk the night before (His words, not mine.) Mom is trying to keep the peace by singing her favorite song, "Row, Row Your Boat," (a public domain classic) and poor Joshua, haunted by his increasingly creepy dead Grandpa, just can't shake the feeling that there is something bad waiting for them.

And by something bad, I mean, cheapo rubber masks running around in potato sacks. Granted, that doesn't sound all that scary, but they are hungry...hungry for plant goo, which is what you turn into when the Druid witch lady gives you dry ice to drink. If only somebody had a "double decker bologna sandwich," then maybe the Waits' lives could be spared. This is a weird contention within Troll 2 that has always bothered me. Was writer/director Claudio Fragasso (or the more Americanized Drake Floyd as the credits call him) seriously trying to make a pro-Vegan message that would make Cesar Chavez smile? Probably not, but there it is, smothered all over this film like so much plant goo.

There is a subplot involving the aforementioned boyfriend and three of his wussiest buddies who come to Nilbog in search of all that fine small town tail that us red-blooded males are so into. There is "popcorn sex" and four-leaf clover(?) scars...were the townsfolk evil leprechauns during one draft of the script? "Pissing on hospitality" and a dance sequence that I have mimicked on several drunken occasions...and on and on.

Try as I might, there really isn't an adequate way to review a movie like this. It may be cliche, but Troll 2 must be seen to be believed...and then seen again...and again. It would be the blueprint for how comedy is achieved if only it were intentional. Unfortunately, I have seen other Fragasso films so I know this is not the case, but it matters not. The self-proclaimed "best worst movie" ever, how could anyone possibly disagree?


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