The Visitor (1979)

Narrated by blond Jesus to a gathering of bald children, The Visitor focuses on Sateen (a villainous bed sheet fabric or just a weird pronunciation of Satan? You be the judge.) whose efforts to overtake the world were cut short as he was cast away. Unfortunately, this is not before he is able to impregnate a slew of random women whose children possess some of his telekinetic powers and propensity for mischief.

Cue ten year old Katy, a seemingly precocious little girl who we meet at a professional basketball game as her mother is courting the owner. After a good ten minutes of action (of which every single basket is a slam dunk), Katy decides to use her talents to blow up the basketball as the potentially game winning dunk is attempted. The crowd files out as if nothing happened and we learn the ever important fact that Satan is not an Atlanta Hawks fan.

Meanwhile, her potential stepfather is nothing more than a pawn for some evil businessmen employed by the big guy downstairs and is instructed to father more children with Katy's mother to further rid the world of our game balls (and ice skating teenagers though we will not learn of this deviousness until later). This proves difficult as the mother is vaguely frightened by her daughter which is only made worse when one of Katy's birthday presents magically transforms from a toy bird into a pistol that she accidentally shoots and cripples her mother with.

This is not to say that the side of good is without reinforcements as blond Jesus has sent Jerzy (John Huston, well after he stopped reading scripts before signing) to keep an eye on Katy. Of course, all this amounts to is standing idly by while she kills off anyone that even suspects wrongdoing. Though to be fair, he does almost beat her in a gripping Pong match while pretending to be her babysitter.

Honestly, it really is not going to start getting any clearer so let us wrap this up as the film abruptly did with a massive bird attack that plucks out the evil within Katy (Satan's one weakness: pigeons) and blond Jesus and Jerzy celebrating the only way they know how by creepily hugging the bald children.

Convoluted apocalyptic-lite script? Check. Several formerly big name actors willing to slum it for mostly glorified cameos? Uh-huh. Hot Pong action? Oh, yeah. Really, what more do you need? Squarely intended at this day and age for the undiscerning viewer, The Visitor will confuse, befuddle and melt your face with its rampant awesomeness. I could not recommend any higher (or lower, for that matter).