Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)

A young boy witnesses his father's death at the hands of a killer toy that was left for him on their doorstep. The experience leaves the boy so traumatized that he is unable to speak. It really doesn't help when someone keeps leaving more presents for him and he is accosted by a department store Santa. Meanwhile, an old toy shop owner and his bug-eyed teenage son carry on a rather odd relationship and a drifter rolls into town intent on keeping tabs on everyone. But the question remains, what does an 8 year old boy do to make so many mortal enemies?

I have now viewed the entire Silent Night, Deadly Night series and am only slightly worse for wear because of it. If anything, this final installment at least has something to do with Christmas (unlike the last entry) and finds a way to successfully fit in an insane naked robot sequence to rival all other naked robot sequences (but we'll get to that in a minute).

Truth be told, The Toy Maker is a bit slow to start after the initial death of the father. On top of his vocalization problems, Derek will also not go back into his room as he is terrified of all toys now. This leads to an odd sequence where he sees a commercial for the same toy that killed his father despite the fact that he 1. had been watching a VHS tape of the old Rambo cartoon which it somehow interrupted and 2. once we discover who is producing the toys that kill and why; it is obvious that a commercial never would have been produced for any of them. All the same, Mom is not much help at all as her only solution to his issues are to buy him new toys and take Derek to see Santa...to ask for more toys.

This is where we meet the old shop keep Petto and his son Pino (I'll give you all a second to see if those names stick out for any reason). They make for quite a pair and quite honestly, should have been the real focus of this entire picture. Or maybe the obnoxious neighbor kid who digs one of the phantom presents out of the trash and finds a pair of rocket skates that send him flying into traffic or even the 45 seconds we get of Clint Howard as a random store Santa. The point being that The Toy Maker only slows down when we are forced to check back in with our protagonist and his mother in its feeble attempts to tie this whole thing together.

Did I mention that a babysitter and her hot shit boyfriend all but get eviscerated by a swarm of army men, superhero action figures and RC cars? Or Pino, who is in fact the naked robot with a remarkably human face but the body of a 5'9 Ken doll (and yes, he does have the same anatomical issues). Pino kills his creator (isn't that always the way?) and decides he would like to join our Mother and son clan which in his defense, he has blown a few circuits by this point. And what better way to impress your prospective foster parent than by ramming your "Ken bump" into the woman's crotch while repeating "I love you, Mommy," over and over again. Nevertheless, guess who stupidly gets killed off a few moments later and who ends up surviving this mess.

Dig that poster though.

5/10

Sorority Row (2009)

A prank gone awry leads to several sorority sisters covering up the death of one of their own. You can guess the rest.

Does the pleasure derived from a viewing experience change significantly when the viewer absolutely despises every potential victim (which in this case occurs right about the time the opening credits cease)? To be fair, our heroines are all tied to the (accidental) murder and cover up involving their friend so pathos was likely to be in short supply anyway, but come on now movie, what do you expect of me when every character is irrepressibly vile and contemptuous while possessing not a single iota of genuine humanity? Were the makers of Sorority Row so clueless about the slasher genre that they somehow believed that its fans want nothing more than to bask in the bloody set pieces that spring up around long bouts of inane, bitchy banter? If so, than they failed in that regard as well as the deaths are neither gratuitous nor inventive enough to forgive glossing over some of the most basic tenets of storytelling. Unless you consider putting glasses on "the smart one" or consistently highlighting how one of the girls is sluttier than the rest as proper character development, then all that is left for a suitable viewing experience is buckets of blood and gore which never do come.

Everything else is exactly what you would expect from a post-Scream mainstream slasher right down to the multiple red herrings that lead to a killer's identity that so flimsily ties to the rest of the film it is borderline insulting. I am going to spoil this one for you though spoil is likely too strong of a word here. The killer turns out to be one of the girl's boyfriends who is so concerned that her mistake will affect his family's good name (dear old Dad is a US Senator) that he sets out to kill the dozen or so people that may have knowledge of the event. The only thing more unbelievable than that reveal is the fact that Rumer Willis' character gets hit on twice during the movie. Damn, I think the bitchiness rubbed off.

3/10

Rats: Night of Terror (1984)

In a post-apocalyptic world, the remaining few are split up into two factions: those that have fled underground to avoid the ravages of nuclear fallout and the scavengers who have remained on the surface. Our story here unfolds around one particular band of survivors who pretty well encompass exactly what we've come to expect from the extensive library of Mad Max retreads. That being brash and violent punks whose commitment to fashion forward thinking despite the Earth being almost completely decimated is staggering. Fine leathers, silk scarves and yellow jump suits...and this is just the men. They roll into a deserted city and immediately scope the area for any hostile beings which essentially boils down to one of the gang literally riding his motorcycle about 20 feet ahead of the pack and then circling back. Unfortunately for our anti-heroes, the enemy here is hiding in plain sight.

They decide to hole up in an abandoned tavern/boardinghouse/bio-dome, seeing as it has a sophisticated gardening center that is able to grow vegetation that the soil will no longer cultivate, as well as, a water filtration system that appears to be made out of excess parts lifted from the set of TV's Double Dare. This would seem to be a model set-up for our barbarians of the new world order to exploit except for all those bodies lying around that appear to have been feasted upon.

What begins as another cheap Italian rip-off of one sub-genre quickly morphs into an equally cheap Italian rip-off of another...and yes, that is what I consider to be high praise. To be fair, Rats: Night of Terror is an awful film, even within the relatively low standards that should be applied here. The vast majority of the time is spent with poorly-constructed characters doing completely asinine things that only further hurt their survival chances. The music score does not ever seem to fit (and if history is any indicator, could very well have been lifted from any number of other films) and honestly, you just cant make standard footage of rat colonies climbing all over one another all that menacing. The fact that most of the attacks involve someone off camera dumping a box of rats onto one of the scavengers does not help, nor that the actors were clearly attempting to hold as many of the vermin to their bodies as possible to give the effect of being attacked.

Alas, there remains a few select scenes that are most definitely worth the price of admission. As is usually the case, I will refrain from spoiling too much here though they involve the rats burrowing into human carcasses and manipulating the bodies in ways that made me sad it took as long as it did in my lifetime to see something like that. I will also say that the ending left me in equal measure both numb with shock and giddy like a schoolgirl. Utterly fantastic nonsense.

8/10

Worth noting: The prologue to the film states that all FIVE continents were destroyed by the nuclear warheads. I guess I can see forgetting Antarctica, but that still leaves a remainder...

Schoolgirls in Chains (1973)

(In true exploitation style, the artwork does not really match the film...at all.)

A young girl accepts a ride with two brothers when her car breaks down and is swiftly taken to their out of the way house and introduced to the other "pets" that live in the basement. Frank is the morose and protective older brother who initially shows no interest in the girls as they are intended to be playmates for John who has the mental capacity of a child. However, they both do little to nothing without the approval of the matriarch of the manor, lovingly referred to as Momma. And Momma will do anything to keep her boys close to home.

Now that's a lurid title. Perhaps a little too much so as the US DVD was released as simply Girls in Chains which seems like an unnecessary exclusion even if it is true that there isn't a single pleated plaid skirt to be found anywhere in the film. As it stands, though, this movie is far less exploitative than similar abduction fare from the era. Personally, I found this to be a pleasant surprise as some other films that revel in the sexual violence usually just get my mind wandering as to if the filmmakers were more interested in getting their rocks off than anything else (and if they expected the same from their viewers...sorry, not my cup of tea).

Most of the action revolves around John prodding at the girls as they play 'Doctor' and even when Frank does lose control with one of them he clearly takes no pleasure from it. Momma has most definitely done a number on both of her boys which is highlighted in the most integral scene of the film when they flashback to Frank bringing the girl he loves home to meet Momma and inform her of their impending nuptials. It does not take long for Momma to pridefully explain to his once future bride that they have been having an incestuous affair for several years and then invites her to watch next time she comes around. Admittedly, it was a tad confusing to think that adult Frank was healthy enough to succeed at a relationship with another woman, but it does provide for the most darkly humorous moment in the film.

The success of Schoolgirls in Chains lies mainly in its ability to draw empathy for both the victims and their captors. This really should not be possible but I'll be damned if the brothers are not deserving of at least a bit of pity. Outside of the pivotal scene explained above, we do not get much more in the way of how Momma has indoctrinated her boys to loathe women as they do outside of her insistence that young girls are evil and want only to hurt their mother. More than anything, it is in the performances of the actors that we see how damaged the brothers are. Quiet, nuanced roles in an imprisoned woman's exploitation flick? Stranger things have happened.

8/10

New Year's Evil (1980)

A sadistic killer who refers to himself as 'Evil' keeps calling the world's oldest looking VJ (no offense, not "Downtown" Julie Brown) every hour to mark a fresh killing based on when the clock strikes midnight in each of North America's time zones. He also claims that he will be coming for her when the new year turns over at 12 o'clock Pacific time. Meanwhile, our heroine's production assistant has gone missing and her adult son is in her dressing room acting oddly, if only to make us believe he will turn out to be the killer. Add some overlong renditions of pseudo-new wave songs for the bored teenagers to bop their heads to and you've got yourself a half-hearted, holiday-themed slasher flick.

This is a tough one to delve into as I would rather not reveal the killer's identity though who he turns out to be plays a significant role in New Year's Evil's biggest shortcoming. Motive really should not be an issue when it comes to slashers. The indiscriminate killer is always far more fascinating than just some poor bastard who has been scorned by love, or money, or is hell bent on simple revenge. Even when you look at someone like Michael Myers, while he did have a focus on his baby sister early on, it was never based on anything tangible. So when the third act of your movie suddenly starts to have that Lifetime movie of the week feel to it, someone fucked up.

This is unfortunate as the first half of the film is fairly potent. The killer is effectively creepy (even if the voice modulator he is using makes him sound more muppet-ish than anything else) and is picking off unsuspecting random females as he should. He is also quite the Lothario which is a somewhat interesting departure from our socially inept psychos in other genre-related movies.

As well, New Year's Evil makes a few other atypical choices early on that set it apart. The most glaring being that our killer fails to kill one of his earlier time zone victims. Shockingly, the cops do not show up about two minutes too late like they usually tend to do and scare 'Evil' off before he can complete the deed. Take that, Mountain Standard Time! There is also a pretty fantastic kill involving suffocation by way of a giant bag of weed. Sorry, hippies, apparently marijuana does kill.

I don't know, can I suggest just turning it off with about 20 minutes to go and making up your own better ending? Let me know if that works out for any of you.

7/10

P.S. There should be no more than a 3...maybe 4 month delay between reviews from this point forward. That's the TWSNBM guarantee.

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)

Following a nuclear war, the remaining inhabitants of Earth are few and most of the women have been left infertile due to fallout. Enter Sam Hell (the incomparable 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper), an oversexed vagabond whose sperm levels just so happen to be off the charts. Captured by the provisional governing body, he is forcibly recruited by the Med-Vac division to impregnate any woman found to still have a light on in their oven. This leads to a rescue mission in Frogtown where several nubile young ladies (how come the women in all these movies are always barely covered up? Are there really not enough tattered rags but for what amounts to a bikini? And better yet, why am I complaining about this?) have been captured by amphibian-human mutants that have been driven from what is left of society and restricted to their own makeshift towns. Hell and his all-female warrior companions kick rubber-masked ass, keep on the look out for more bubble gum (not likely to be easy in the post-apocalypse).

Hell Comes to Frogtown essentially boils down to being an entertaining but rather shallow effort. The humor is solid even if the timing of its actors is not (truth be told, Piper simply chewing scenery would amuse me) and he is most definitely the main attraction here.

The story suffers from a lack of imagination (I know what I just said, bear with me) outside of the interesting premise. We get Hell (in government sanctioned metal briefs to protect their investment) and his companions covering the first act on the road with little progress and a lot of campfires to sit around doing nothing. There is a rather forced love story sub-plot brewing between Hell and the main Med-Vac rep that was pointless and therefore will not be mentioned again.

The film picks up slightly once they finally reach Frogtown (which is basically a rundown construction site in the middle of the desert) and the mutants do look decent for the budget. There is more bantering and Farmer Vincent himself of Motel Hell (1980) pops up to flash his creepy, pearly white smile and get shot (movie has gotta have some heart after all). The kidnapped females are now employed in Commander Toty's harem and no worse for wear because of it. It makes for an odd scene when those that are to be rescued seem content with where they are, but they come along willingly all the same. It all ends as expected.

There seemed to have been a reluctance to discuss (humorously or not) the state of a world where procreation is expected to be the sole purpose for sex. The amphibian people are rightfully pissed about their situation but little is made of their plight or really even the intentions behind kidnapping the fertile women. We are told initially that they are being held for ransom, but then are suddenly held as (not really) sex slaves. There are whole scenes that consistently lead to nothing and have no bearing on the film as a whole. More than anything, I was disappointed in the directionless route that was taken when there was so much potential.

Just watch A Boy and His Dog (1975) again.

5/10

Dead & Buried (1981)

The people of Potter's Bluff, a small New England seaside burg, do not take kindly to strangers (or so it would seem). The townsfolks penchant for brutally murdering any visitors that happen to find their way within its limits is a pretty good indicator. However, a short time later, the recently deceased tourists show up alive around town with new identities and no memory of their previous lives outside of Potter's Bluff. This is not to say that the entire populace is behind this particular brand of malevolence as the town sheriff appears to be unaware of the local past time and goes about investigating the savage deaths. With the assistance of the humorously macabre town coroner, the sheriff slowly uncovers the town's secrets leading to a somewhat fulfilling twist.

There are few films that can overcome the shortfalls of their story, but Dead & Buried does precisely that. The final reveal is suitably haunting though far too convenient for what it has been led up to. I will leave most of the specific details out for the uninitiated, but will say that the explanation for how the citizens came to be, most specifically, their complete lack of memory function, serves only to lazily fill numerous plot holes.

Be that as it may, the atmosphere that is created around Potter's Bluff through lighting and a truly astounding use of fog (apparently taking cues from, well, The Fog (1980)) is exceptional and from the first reel, gives the whole picture an otherworldly feel to it. There is clearly something amiss well before the first tourist is burned at the stake and this uneasiness created does not let up.

Much credit should also be given to the character of Dobbs, the town coroner who above all other eccentricities, shows what can only be described as 'restrained giddiness' each time a freshly disfigured corpse finds its way to his steel slab. There is little doubt that this man revels in his work and this inclusion of black humor is almost always welcome amongst the horror elements.

Still, the question remains, as is usually the case with the dreaded "twist ending," was it really necessary?

7.5/10